Healing in the Spotlight – Nessa Barrett on Loneliness, Recovery, and Self-Love
From Small-Town Dreams to Stardom

Nessa Barrett’s conversation with Jay Shetty begins with her remarkable story of leaving home at 17 to pursue her dream of becoming a singer. Growing up in a small New Jersey town, Nessa felt misunderstood and trapped in an environment that didn’t nurture her creative ambitions. With COVID-19 shutting down the world, she saw a rare moment to take control of her life. In the middle of the night, after her parents tried to stop her from leaving, she packed her things into old soccer and school bags and boarded a flight to Los Angeles. She describes the moment as terrifying but necessary—something beyond logic, a calling she had to follow despite anxiety and fear.

Facing Fear and Taking Risks
Though not a natural risk-taker, Nessa says a deep inner force compelled her to act. With severe anxiety and a lifelong tendency to follow rules, her decision to run away was completely out of character. But she trusted her intuition and pushed through panic attacks during her flight. Her early success on social media provided a lifeline—unexpected fame from a casual TikTok video gave her enough of a following to afford a ticket to California and access to recording studios. That early exposure allowed her to build a career as a recording artist, proving that sometimes courage is just a moment of conviction acted upon before fear takes over.

Childhood Struggles and Early Pain
Nessa reflects on a painful childhood marked by bullying, loneliness, and family instability. She often felt isolated and misunderstood, watching her parents struggle financially and emotionally. These early hardships planted the seed for her determination to create a better life and to channel her pain into her art. The pressure to conform to a “normal” path—college, a nine-to-five job—never fit who she was. Instead, her difficult upbringing gave her the emotional depth that would later shape her songwriting and connect with millions of listeners.

Healing Her Family Relationships
One of the most poignant parts of the interview is Nessa’s story of reconciliation with her parents. After years of estrangement following her decision to leave home, she began hypnotherapy, which she credits with transforming her life. The therapy allowed her to explore her subconscious mind, unearth old wounds, and process trauma she had long suppressed. Through that healing work, she reconnected with her father and recently returned home to meet her baby brother for the first time. This renewal reminded her that family—no matter how imperfect—is still an essential part of belonging and emotional grounding.

The Loneliness Behind the Fame
Despite her success and millions of fans, Nessa admits that loneliness remains one of her greatest struggles. Performing in front of thousands only to return to an empty hotel room leaves her feeling hollow. Fame, she says, often magnifies isolation rather than alleviating it. Surrounded by industry peers and public attention, she has learned that genuine connection is rare. Trust is difficult, intentions are often unclear, and she can count only a few true friends in Los Angeles. Her honesty about this contradiction—the loneliness of being loved by strangers—exposes the hidden emotional costs of fame.

The Ongoing Battle with an Eating Disorder
Nessa opens up about her ongoing struggle with anorexia, a condition that began in her teens and intensified during her recent tour. The eating disorder, she says, is one of the hardest battles of her life—one that affects not only her body but her mind and sense of identity. Performing on stage while battling intrusive thoughts about appearance and self-worth has been a daily challenge. Touring forced her to confront the physical necessity of eating to maintain her energy and her career. Yet, she often found herself breaking down before performances, unable to decide what to wear or how to face her audience. She emphasizes how recovery is not linear—it’s an exhausting process that requires courage, consistency, and self-compassion.

Music as a Voice for the Voiceless
For Nessa, music is more than an outlet—it’s a lifeline. Writing and performing allow her to turn private pain into shared understanding, giving others the comfort she never had growing up. Her songs about mental health, heartbreak, and recovery serve as messages to those who feel unseen or misunderstood. Through her art, she hopes to create community around honesty and emotional healing, reminding fans that being vulnerable is a form of strength.
**Choosing a Life of Meaning Over Ease**
When Jay Shetty asks how she reconciles the stress of her chosen path, Nessa responds with maturity: every path in life comes with pain, but she’d rather face challenges doing something she loves than live a safe, unfulfilling life. She accepts that struggle is a natural part of pursuing purpose. Her ability to find meaning in difficulty—to turn personal battles into creative energy—reflects a grounded wisdom beyond her years.

The Power of Vulnerability and Connection
Ultimately, Nessa Barrett’s story is one of resilience through openness. Her willingness to speak publicly about trauma, mental illness, and recovery challenges the polished perfectionism often seen in the entertainment industry. She proves that healing is not about having it all together, but about allowing yourself to be seen as you are. Her journey invites reflection on how connection, honesty, and empathy can heal even the deepest wounds—a reminder that vulnerability is the bridge to belonging.

In the spirit of Thinking of You, Nessa’s reflections highlight the importance of authentic connection—the kind that comes from being truly known, even in moments of loneliness or pain. Real healing begins not in isolation, but in shared understanding and compassionate conversation.

#thinkingofyou #thinkingofyouapp #relationshipapp #couplesapp #nessabarrett #jayshetty #healingjourney #mentalhealth #selflove #loneliness

Inside the Mind of Avoidant Women – Understanding Emotional Distance and Healing

In this in-depth episode of I Wish You Knew, hosts Adam Lane Smith and Andrey Korikov sit down with guest Jessica Preston to explore avoidant attachment in women – how it develops, how it shows up in relationships, and what healing looks like once awareness begins. Preston, a self-described “recovering avoidant,” shares her own journey through multiple marriages, motherhood, and self-discovery, revealing the hidden emotional logic behind avoidance and what it takes to unlearn those protective patterns. The conversation illuminates the psychology of avoidant women: independent, capable, and logical on the surface, yet struggling to feel safe enough to connect deeply or express vulnerability.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment

Preston explains that avoidant attachment often stems from early emotional neglect, inconsistency, or over-responsibility in childhood, leading to self-protection through emotional distance. She reflects on her realization—after her third divorce—that her instinct to retreat wasn’t conscious cruelty, but a survival mechanism built to maintain stability and control in an unpredictable world. Many avoidant women, she notes, are not cold or detached by nature; they simply never learned emotional safety, so closeness triggers discomfort rather than connection. The result is a cycle of strong beginnings in relationships that later fade into emotional withdrawal and confusion for both partners.

The Emotional Blind Spot

Adam and Jessica discuss how many avoidant women don’t initially recognize their behavior as avoidance. Jessica recalls her husband pointing out disconnection while she genuinely didn’t see it, describing how her nervous system had been wired to prioritize composure and competence over emotional intimacy. Reading Stan Tatkin’s Your Brain on Love helped her identify with the “island” archetype – the self-reliant individual who thrives on autonomy but struggles with dependency. She realized that her ability to function logically had come at the cost of emotional expression, something her therapist once highlighted when noting that Jessica said “I believe” instead of “I feel.” This subtle language difference revealed a lifelong pattern of emotional detachment masked as rationality.

Masculine and Feminine Dynamics

A key theme in the episode is the interplay of masculine and feminine energies in avoidant behavior. Preston explains that many women with avoidant tendencies operate heavily in their masculine energy - driven, protective, structured - especially when life requires constant self-reliance. She describes how rediscovering her feminine side - openness, receptivity, and softness - was both terrifying and transformative. “I jumped off the cliff of femininity,” she says, recalling a period of crying and emotional release that felt foreign after decades of control. This shift allowed her to access vulnerability and connection in ways logic never could, underscoring how healing avoidant attachment involves integrating both strength and softness.

The Role of Self-Awareness and Responsibility

Perhaps the most powerful part of Jessica’s story is her decision to stop blaming others and look inward. After years of relational collapse, she admitted, “I’m causing pain here.” Rather than staying stuck in guilt, she turned that awareness into action—seeking education about attachment, examining her patterns, and allowing herself to feel. The hosts emphasize that this process requires patience and compassion: avoidant individuals must move from intellectual insight (“I understand why I do this”) to embodied experience (“I can stay present with my emotions”).

The Path Toward Healing and Emotional Safety

Preston and Smith agree that healing from avoidance isn’t about eliminating the instinct to withdraw but learning to recognize it and self-soothe before retreating. The avoidant’s journey is one of gradual exposure to emotional closeness - trusting that they can survive intimacy without losing autonomy. For avoidant women, reconnecting to their feminine side and allowing others to hold them in safety becomes essential. They also discuss how secure partners can support avoidant women by creating consistent emotional safety without pressure or judgment.

Conclusion

“Inside the Mind of Avoidant Women” ultimately reframes avoidance not as coldness but as courage misdirected - a once-useful survival strategy that now stands in the way of love. Jessica Preston’s story offers both hope and guidance: awareness can rewire old defenses, and emotional connection can be learned, even later in life. True healing, the hosts suggest, comes when avoidant individuals stop running from vulnerability and start trusting that love won’t cost them their freedom - it might actually give it back.

#thinkingofyou #thinkingofyouapp #relationshipapp #couplesapp #avoidantattachment #attachmentstyles #selfawareness #emotionalhealing #feminineenergy #relationshipgrowth

Healing the Hidden Wounds of Invalidation – Understanding the Roots of Codependency
Lisa A. Romano’s discussion on codependency offers a profound look at how emotional neglect and invalidation in childhood quietly shape a person’s inner world and adult relationships. Her central message is that codependency is not a character flaw or weakness – it’s a learned survival mechanism rooted in trauma. When children grow up feeling unseen, dismissed, or told their emotions are “too much,” they learn to suppress their authentic selves to stay safe and loved. As adults, this manifests as a deep-seated compulsion to seek validation, avoid rejection, and anchor one’s sense of worth in the reactions of others.

The Origins of Codependency
Romano explains that the foundation of codependency is laid in early childhood when a caregiver consistently fails to mirror or validate a child’s emotions. This form of emotional neglect teaches the child that love is conditional and that their needs are burdensome. In homes marked by narcissism, alcoholism, or chronic dysfunction, children adapt by becoming hyperaware of others’ moods and suppressing their own. This adaptation may have kept them safe as children, but as adults, it results in anxiety, low self-worth, and an inability to trust their own perceptions.

The Invisible Pain of the “Good Child”
Many codependent adults were once the “good” or “responsible” children who learned to anticipate others’ needs before their own. Romano describes this as a form of emotional erasure: these individuals grow up overperforming – excelling in careers, caretaking roles, or relationships – while privately feeling hollow or unseen. They often look successful from the outside but struggle internally with a chronic sense of not being enough. Behind the achievements lies a nervous system wired for survival, not peace.

The Cycle of Repetition
According to Romano, unresolved childhood invalidation perpetuates itself through repetition. Adults unconsciously recreate familiar emotional dynamics, often attracting partners who mirror the neglect or control they experienced early in life. This “wounded healer” archetype is common – those who were once denied love often become caregivers, therapists, or helpers, hoping to heal in others what they could not heal in themselves. Yet until they address the core wound, these individuals remain stuck in cycles of self-abandonment and emotional exhaustion.

From Victimhood to Awareness
Romano’s own journey illustrates the turning point of healing: moving from blame to awareness. She recalls her discovery of *Codependent No More* by Melody Beattie as a moment of awakening. The realization that codependency was not her fault – but also not someone else’s to fix – allowed her to take ownership of her healing. This shift from “Why did this happen to me?” to “How can I change my pattern?” marks the true beginning of recovery. Awareness, she emphasizes, is the first rung on the ladder toward transformation.

The Science of Reprogramming the Self
Romano connects her insights to neuroscience, referencing thinkers like Bruce Lipton to explain how early emotional environments shape neural pathways related to self-perception. Just as genes can express differently depending on environmental stressors, emotional patterns can be rewired through consistent self-awareness and inner work. Healing involves changing the “input” – the beliefs and messages we feed ourselves – so that the “output,” our external behaviors and relationships, naturally evolve. This process is neither linear nor quick; it requires patience, compassion, and a willingness to feel what was once suppressed.

Reclaiming the Self
The final stage of healing from codependency involves re-establishing an internal sense of safety and self-trust. Romano underscores that adults who were invalidated as children must learn to become their own source of validation – to honor their needs, set boundaries, and differentiate between love and approval. Healing does not mean abandoning empathy or connection; rather, it means grounding those traits in self-respect rather than fear of rejection.

Why Healing Matters
Unhealed codependency doesn’t just limit emotional fulfillment – it perpetuates generational patterns of disconnection. When adults model self-abandonment, their children internalize the same scripts of unworthiness. Breaking the cycle begins with one person deciding to confront the pain, reparent the inner child, and rebuild a foundation of self-worth. Romano’s message is hopeful: healing is possible for anyone willing to turn inward and face the truth of their past.

By redefining codependency as a trauma response rather than a defect, Romano empowers individuals to move from self-blame to self-compassion. Her approach invites listeners to trade external validation for internal peace – a journey that mirrors the essence of Thinking of You, where emotional awareness and honest connection form the heart of true intimacy.

#thinkingofyou #thinkingofyouapp #relationshipapp #couplesapp #codependency #innerchildhealing #traumarecovery #selfworth #emotionalhealing #selfcompassion

Why Breakups Aren’t Always Final – The Invisible Grip of Attachment

Breakups often feel like a definitive end, yet for many couples, they’re just another turn in a longer emotional cycle. In this SimplyTogether episode, Karolina and Gabriel unpack why separation doesn’t always mean closure and how human attachment keeps people tethered - sometimes long after goodbye. Drawing from their own experience of breaking up three times before finally reconciling, they reveal the hidden emotional dynamics that make breakups rarely final.

The Dumper vs. the Dumpee – Unequal Emotional Power

Breakups feel very different depending on which side you’re on. For the person initiating it - the dumper - ending a relationship rarely feels absolute. Because they’re the one deciding, they retain the power to reverse the decision later. Knowing their partner would likely take them back makes the breakup feel softer, more like an option than an ending. The dumpee, on the other hand, loses all control. They’re left in shock, powerless, and deeply hurt, experiencing the breakup as a total rupture while the other feels in control.

The Hidden Motives Behind Breakups

Breakups aren’t always clear or intentional. Often, they’re expressions of frustration, unmet needs, or even attempts to prompt change. One partner may use the breakup as an ultimatum,“I can’t do this unless you change”, rather than a true desire to end things. Others break up to regain a sense of autonomy or explore missed opportunities. Sometimes, people say “It’s over” when they actually mean “I need something to change.” These emotional mixed signals make it easy for both partners to interpret the situation differently, leading to “soft” breakups that linger instead of resolve.

Soft vs. Hard Breakups – When It’s Over and When It’s Not

Karolina and Gabriel describe a spectrum of breakups: soft ones that emerge from conflict, where emotions cool and the relationship resumes, and hard ones where one person truly reaches their limit. Soft breakups are emotionally charged but reversible; they’re fueled by anger, fear, or attempts at control. Hard breakups, however, occur when one partner has truly detached and no longer believes change is possible. Yet even in hard cases, attachment can blur the boundary - one person might walk away physically but remain mentally and emotionally tied to their ex.

Attachment – The Deep Root of Why We Can’t Let Go

Underneath every breakup lies the force of attachment. Human beings are wired to bond deeply, and that wiring doesn’t turn off when a relationship ends. For the dumper, this attachment often goes unnoticed until they feel the real loss of their partner. The illusion of control - believing they can always go back - delays their emotional reckoning. But when reality sets in, many realize too late how much they care. For the dumpee, attachment shows up immediately as grief, anxiety, and longing. The separation triggers primal fears of abandonment and loss, making even unhealthy attachments hard to break.

The Awakening Moment – Realizing What You’ve Lost

People often don’t grasp the depth of their attachment until they face the genuine possibility of losing their partner. Gabriel admits he didn’t understand how attached he was to Karolina until he imagined life without her. This realization is common in avoidant partners, who often pull away to protect their independence but later confront the emotional void they’ve created. Sometimes it takes hitting emotional rock bottom or seeing a partner truly move on to wake them up to the love and connection they took for granted.

Why Even Toxic Relationships Feel Impossible to Leave

The same attachment mechanisms that sustain healthy relationships also trap people in harmful ones. Many stay with partners who hurt them because the fear of losing the relationship feels greater than the pain of staying. Even when they intellectually understand it’s toxic, the emotional bond remains powerful. As Gabriel notes, “Everybody gets attached - even players.” These invisible emotional ties can override logic, self-protection, and even safety, showing how profoundly human connection is embedded in our biology.

Clarity Through Conscious Connection

Ultimately, SimplyTogether argues that most breakups aren’t about one person being done - they’re about two people struggling to balance autonomy and attachment. The antidote lies in awareness: understanding your attachment style, naming unmet needs, and communicating before resorting to ultimatums or withdrawal. True closure comes not from cutting ties impulsively but from clarity - knowing whether love still lives beneath the conflict or whether staying would only prolong pain.

Breakups test our ability to love consciously - to recognize when we’re holding on out of fear rather than choice. For many couples, including Karolina and Gabriel, it takes losing each other to truly understand what they had. Their story reminds us that emotional endings are rarely linear and that love, once formed, often lingers in the nervous system long after words like “it’s over” are spoken.

#thinkingofyou #thinkingofyouapp #relationshipapp #couplesapp #breakups #attachmenttheory #relationships #emotionalhealing #loveandloss #reconnection

Ayurveda and Self-Discovery – Radhi Devlukia’s Journey to Joy and Balance

In this enriching episode of Saturn Returns with Caggie, bestselling author, chef, and wellness entrepreneur Radhi Devlukia-Shetty opens up about her path to self-discovery, holistic living, and finding joy. Caggie and Radhi explore everything from cultural roots to Ayurvedic wisdom, self-care rituals, and breathwork practices that help navigate the chaos of modern life. This conversation blends ancient teachings with practical tips for everyday well-being – a perfect resource for anyone seeking deeper self-connection, balance, and nourishment.

A Cookbook Beyond Recipes

Radhi shares the story behind JoyFull, her bestselling plant-based cookbook infused with over 125 recipes and daily rituals. Written over three years, the book goes beyond food to include breathwork, journaling, and morning-to-evening practices that cultivate joy. While Radhi expected it to reach a niche audience, she was humbled by its wide success and the powerful response from readers hungry for accessible wellness.

Cultural Roots and Family Influence

Growing up in Watford, UK, in a close-knit Indian family, Radhi’s upbringing shaped her deep connection to food and wellness. Her grandmother and mother infused love and experimentation into every meal, emphasizing home-cooked nourishment over convenience. Her mother’s homemade meals and fitness classes for women modeled a holistic approach to health, laying the foundation for Radhi’s later studies in nutrition and Ayurveda.

From Nutrition to Ayurveda

Initially drawn to Western nutrition, Radhi soon realized its limitations – focusing on disease treatment rather than prevention. Ayurveda, the 5,000-year-old Indian system of health meaning “knowledge of life,” reframed wellness as individualized, preventative, and holistic. By teaching people to recognize early imbalances – digestive shifts, headaches, hair loss – Ayurveda empowers individuals to adjust diet, lifestyle, and environment before illness develops. This philosophy mirrored Radhi’s family’s natural remedies, from turmeric pastes for wounds to spice infusions for colds.

Understanding Doshas and Elements

Radhi explains how Ayurveda sees the body as a blend of five elements – earth, water, fire, air, and ether – expressed as three doshas: Kapha (earth/water), Pitta (fire/water), and Vata (air/ether). Each person has a unique constitution, with one or two doshas predominating. Imbalances in these doshas affect physical, emotional, and mental states. For example, a Vata-dominant person (air/ether) may feel creative and free-flowing when balanced but anxious and scattered when out of balance. Ayurveda’s core practice is learning to counteract imbalance with grounding foods, supportive activities, and mindful routines tailored to one’s constitution.

Daily Rituals and Breathwork

Radhi emphasizes that true wellness isn’t about drastic overhauls but consistent daily rituals. She recommends “taking inventory” of your life weekly or monthly – assessing which habits, relationships, or commitments drain your energy and which fuel it. Breathwork is one of her cornerstone practices, acting as an anchor between the mind and body. She uses different techniques at different times: alternate nostril breathing (Anulom Vilom) to rebalance, Kapalabhati (skull-shining breath) to energize midday, and slow yogic breathing at night to release tension and prepare for sleep. These simple practices, done in two- to three-minute intervals, can dramatically shift stress levels and mental clarity.

Mindful Living in a Distracted World

Caggie and Radhi also discuss presence in the digital age. While Radhi navigates a large social media following, she stays grounded by prioritizing authenticity and self-care. She avoids stimulants like caffeine and alcohol, relying instead on nourishing foods, mindful routines, and meditation to sustain her energy. This conscious lifestyle reflects her belief that the body is a “fully functioning, beautiful vessel” capable of thriving without external crutches when properly cared for.

Practical Takeaways for Listeners

For those new to Ayurveda or overwhelmed by wellness trends, Radhi offers an encouraging message: start small and personalize your approach. Tune into your body’s signals, eat grounding meals when you feel scattered, and integrate short breathwork breaks throughout the day. Create space for self-care, even if only a few minutes, and regularly evaluate what serves your well-being versus what drains it. In a world of one-size-fits-all advice, Radhi’s wisdom underscores the power of individualized, joyful self-discovery.

Why This Episode Matters

Saturn Returns with Caggie is known for exploring pivotal transitions and inner growth, and this conversation with Radhi Devlukia perfectly embodies that ethos. It bridges ancient wisdom and modern challenges, showing how cultural heritage, intentional rituals, and self-awareness can transform your relationship with health and happiness. Whether you’re curious about Ayurveda, looking to deepen your self-care, or simply craving balance, this episode offers actionable insights to help you nourish your mind, body, and spirit.

By weaving together her personal story and practical teachings, Radhi makes holistic wellness accessible and inspiring. Her message is simple yet profound – joy, balance, and vitality aren’t destinations but practices you can begin today.

#thinkingofyou, #thinkingofyouapp, #relationshipapp, #couplesapp, #ayurveda, #radhidevlukia, #holistichealth, #breathwork, #selfcare, #saturnreturns

Attachment & Nervous System Wiring 101 – How Childhood Shapes Your Self-Regulation

Heidi Priebe explains that the nervous system isn’t simply biological—it’s deeply relational. From the moment we’re born, the way caregivers respond to us wires our stress responses and emotional regulation patterns. A child who experiences consistent comfort learns to return to baseline after stress. But when care is unpredictable, the nervous system may adapt in anxious or avoidant ways, leaving lasting imprints on adult behavior.

The Role of Attachment Styles

Attachment theory provides the framework for understanding these differences. Secure attachment fosters resilience and trust, while insecure patterns—whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—stem from early instability. Priebe emphasizes that these aren’t just “labels” but lived experiences that shape how we approach intimacy, conflict, and safety in relationships. Knowing your attachment style can illuminate why you may crave closeness yet fear it, or why independence feels safer than vulnerability.

Trauma and Body Memory

Priebe dives into how unresolved childhood experiences become embedded in the body. When the nervous system repeatedly activates under threat without repair, it gets stuck in patterns of hypervigilance or shutdown. This is why some people may freeze or withdraw during conflict, while others react with heightened anxiety. Trauma, in this sense, isn’t only about major events—it can also be the accumulation of smaller, consistent ruptures in care.

Self-Regulation vs. Co-Regulation

One of Priebe’s key insights is that humans are wired for co-regulation—our nervous systems calm through safe, connected relationships. However, if early environments didn’t provide that, adults may struggle to self-regulate. She stresses that healing often begins not with solitary willpower but with finding safe spaces and people who can model calm and connection. Over time, this builds the capacity for self-regulation and greater emotional flexibility.

The Path Toward Healing

Priebe is hopeful about repair. She describes healing as a process of retraining the nervous system—through mindfulness, therapeutic support, and safe relational experiences. Practices like deep breathing, grounding exercises, and attunement with trusted others gradually reset old patterns. The journey isn’t quick, but each small act of safety signals to the body that it no longer needs to stay in survival mode.

Connection and Intentional Effort

At the heart of her teaching is the idea that secure connection is built through small, consistent actions. Just as our nervous systems were shaped by repeated interactions in childhood, they can be reshaped by repeated experiences of safety in adulthood. This mirrors the philosophy behind *Thinking of You*, which encourages partners to engage daily in simple, intentional exchanges. Both approaches highlight that transformation doesn’t require grand gestures but steady, mindful presence over time.

Embracing the Middle

Priebe also encourages embracing the “middle space”—acknowledging that healing is ongoing rather than a final destination. Instead of chasing a perfect state of regulation, she suggests learning to meet ourselves with compassion as we navigate between dysregulation and calm. This acceptance allows growth to unfold naturally, without the added pressure of needing to be “fixed.”

Why It Matters

Understanding the link between childhood wiring and adult self-regulation helps explain why relationships often trigger such intense reactions. It’s not simply about willpower or communication skills—it’s about nervous system responses wired long before conscious choice. By recognizing these patterns and gently reshaping them, individuals can create more secure, fulfilling bonds. Heidi’s work ultimately bridges psychology and lived experience, making complex theories feel personal and practical. Her message resonates for anyone who’s ever wondered why love feels hard or why calm seems elusive. The good news is that, with intention and safe connection, change is always possible.

#thinkingofyou #thinkingofyouapp #relationshipapp #couplesapp #attachmenttheory #nervoussystemregulation #healingjourney #childhoodtrauma #selfregulation #personalgrowth

When a relationship falls apart, the pain can feel unbearable

 For relationship coach Jillian Turecki, heartbreak was not only a devastating personal experience but also the turning point that shaped her mission to help others heal. In her conversation on Soft White Underbelly, she shares how the end of her marriage, betrayal, and the grief that followed forced her to confront difficult truths about love, vulnerability, and self-discovery. What emerges from her story is not just sorrow, but a testament to how heartbreak can become a teacher if we allow it.

Heartbreak as Catalyst for Growth

Turecki speaks openly about how her marriage ended, describing the mix of betrayal and despair that left her feeling stripped of stability. But rather than bury the pain, she leaned into it, using the experience as a mirror for self-examination. “You can’t bypass heartbreak,” she explains. “It’s the gateway to deeper understanding.” For her, the dissolution of her relationship became the foundation of her career as a coach -guiding others to navigate the terrain of love with more awareness and resilience.

The Influence of Childhood Patterns

One of the key themes Turecki highlights is how our earliest attachments shape adult love. The arguments we fall into, the fears that bubble up, even the way we avoid closeness can often be traced back to childhood. Many of her clients—and indeed, her own experiences—reflect patterns that were set long before adulthood. “The ghosts of our childhoods walk into every relationship,” she notes, stressing that awareness of these cycles is essential if we hope to build healthy connections.

Love Requires More Than Passion

Another truth Turecki underscores is that attraction and chemistry, while exhilarating, are not enough to sustain a long-term bond. Values, respect, and emotional maturity are what carry relationships through the inevitable storms. She cautions against confusing intensity with compatibility, reminding listeners that a relationship cannot succeed if it is built only on sparks without substance.

The Role of Fear and Vulnerability

Fear, Turecki explains, is one of the most powerful saboteurs of love. Whether it’s the fear of abandonment, unworthiness, or losing one’s identity, unacknowledged fear drives behaviors that undermine intimacy. To counter this, she emphasizes the importance of vulnerability—not as weakness, but as the courageous act of being seen and accepted as we truly are. For her, the path to deeper connection is paved with honesty, even when it feels risky.

Technology and Distraction in Modern Love

In today’s digital age, Turecki warns of how technology interferes with connection. Social media and dating apps provide endless distraction and comparison, which can prevent couples from truly seeing and valuing each other. “It’s hard to be present when you’re always looking elsewhere,” she says. This message resonates strongly in a culture that prizes convenience and speed but often neglects depth.

Healing Through Reflection and Effort

What sets Turecki apart is her insistence that healing is possible—but it requires intentional work. Reflection, therapy, journaling, and mindfulness are tools she recommends for cultivating self-awareness. She stresses that love is not about finding someone to complete you, but about showing up fully as a partner who is willing to give as much as they receive.

From Pain to Purpose

Perhaps the most powerful takeaway from Turecki’s story is her transformation of pain into purpose. Instead of letting heartbreak define her, she allowed it to refine her. Today, her work as a coach centers on helping people navigate the messiness of love with clarity and compassion. She views heartbreak not as the end of love, but as a moment that, if approached wisely, can open the door to greater intimacy and self-discovery.

Building Intentional Connection

Turecki’s message is clear: love is hard, but it is also worth it. Her interview reminds us that true intimacy requires courage, patience, and daily effort. This philosophy aligns with tools like the Thinking of You app, which fosters meaningful daily check-ins and thought-provoking conversations. By encouraging couples to pause, reflect, and connect without distraction, it helps transform relationships into safe havens of presence and care—exactly the kind of intentional love Turecki believes in.

Final Reflection

Jillian Turecki’s story is one of heartbreak and hope, of pain that gave rise to purpose. Her insights on Soft White Underbelly reveal that while love will inevitably hurt, those wounds can become the very soil from which stronger, more authentic connections grow. For anyone navigating the aftermath of loss—or hoping to deepen an existing bond—her message is both sobering and deeply encouraging: love will test you, but it can also transform you.

Rewiring Your Mind – Steve Peters and the Power of the Chimp Paradox

Professor Steve Peters, psychiatrist, author, and creator of The Chimp Paradox, joins Davina McCall on Begin Again to explore one of the most practical models of human psychology ever created. His “chimp brain” theory explains why our thoughts and actions can feel hijacked by irrational emotions, and more importantly, how to manage this inner struggle to live a calmer, more fulfilling life. With decades of experience working with Olympic athletes, leaders, and everyday people, Peters reveals how understanding and managing the chimp within us can unlock resilience, stronger relationships, and long-term emotional growth.

Understanding the Chimp Paradox

At the heart of Peters’ model is the idea that the brain contains two competing systems: the rational human and the emotional chimp. The chimp, a survival mechanism rooted in the amygdala, is designed to react quickly in fight, flight, or freeze scenarios. While useful in emergencies, living in “chimp mode” too often leads to destructive behaviors, strained relationships, and feelings of unhappiness. Peters stresses that many people mistakenly believe their emotional hijacks define who they are – when in reality, the chimp is separate from the “real you.” Recognizing this distinction is the first step toward taking back control.

From Clinics to Champions

Peters developed his model over 30 years of medical practice and research, later refining it with elite athletes like Sir Chris Hoy and Steven Gerrard. In these high-pressure environments, even the most talented performers risked being sabotaged by their emotions. By teaching them to work with, rather than against, their chimp brains, Peters helped them sharpen focus, improve consistency, and perform at their best. But the model is not just for athletes – Peters insists that anyone, regardless of background, can benefit by practicing emotional skills the way one practices physical fitness.

Emotional Scars and Resilience

A powerful theme in the conversation is resilience. Peters highlights that life inevitably leaves “emotional scars,” but rather than protecting ourselves or our children from hardship, the real skill lies in learning how to process and manage these scars. Resilience grows when we face challenges with awareness and strategy, instead of avoidance. For parents, this means guiding children through life’s difficulties with tools and emotional support rather than trying to eliminate every obstacle. Peters compares emotional training to building muscle – with consistent practice, the brain can literally rewire itself to be calmer, more rational, and less reactive.

Breaking Patterns and Building Growth

One of Peters’ most liberating insights is that people are not doomed to repeat destructive patterns. While many believe they are “stuck,” neuroscience shows that beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses can change. The key lies in learning to distinguish between the true self and the chimp system, then gradually retraining the brain’s responses. This shift allows individuals to rediscover qualities they often say they “wish they had” – compassion, calmness, integrity – which Peters reminds us are already there beneath the surface. By unmasking the chimp and strengthening healthier neural pathways, people step closer to the lives they aspire to live.

Practical Tools for Everyday Life

Peters doesn’t just present theory – he offers actionable techniques. Among them: writing down and “externalizing” problems to weaken the chimp’s grip, reframing negative experiences into learning opportunities, and consistently practicing emotional awareness. He emphasizes that improvement is universal – in 40 years of practice, he has never seen someone fail to grow when they put in the work. Just as athletes train their bodies for performance, all of us can train our minds for resilience, better decision-making, and emotional balance.

The Ripple Effect of Change

The impact of mastering the chimp system extends beyond the individual. Peters notes that when someone rebuilds their confidence and manages emotions effectively, they not only improve their own life but also create a ripple effect, positively influencing family, friends, and communities. Relationships become healthier, communication improves, and personal growth fuels collective growth. This mirrors the philosophy behind modern relationship tools like Thinking of You, an app designed to help couples move beyond surface-level conversations and cultivate intentional connection. Just as Peters teaches us to move from impulsive reactions to thoughtful engagement, the app encourages couples to invest in deeper understanding and presence with one another.

Why It Matters

Peters’ message resonates because it offers hope. Emotional hijacks don’t have to define us, patterns can be broken, and resilience can be built. By understanding the chimp within and learning to manage it, we can step into more authentic, fulfilling versions of ourselves. Whether you’re navigating personal struggles, striving for performance excellence, or looking to deepen your relationships, the tools of the Chimp Paradox provide a roadmap for lasting change.

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Why Small Daily Rituals Keep Relationships Strong

It seems to me (and a lot of far more educated people) that modern relationships don’t usually fall apart because of one dramatic argument or betrayal. More often, they weaken quietly, in the small moments when connection is missed. A distracted scroll at dinner, a half-hearted “how was your day?” before bed, or days without truly checking in seem to slowly erode intimacy. But on the other hand, the good news is the opposite is also true: small, intentional daily rituals can strengthen bonds and help couples build love that lasts.

The Science of Small Gestures

Psychologists who study long-term relationships often point to the power of “micro-moments” of connection. These are tiny, consistent acts that tell your partner: I see you, I value you, I’m here with you. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers in relationship psychology, has found that couples who thrive long term don’t rely on grand romantic gestures - they rely on frequent, small bids for attention that are acknowledged and returned. A gentle touch on the shoulder, a few words of gratitude, or a thoughtful question can sometimes mean more than the occasional anniversary trip or an unsurprising bouquet of flowers from the local grocery store.

Rituals vs. Routines

Now at first glance, daily rituals can look a lot like routines. The difference is in the intent. A routine is automatic, something you do without thought. A ritual is a repeated act, but it carries meaning because you do it with intention. Sharing a cup of coffee in the morning can be a routine, but when it’s done mindfully — sitting together, asking how the other slept, making eye contact — it becomes a ritual of connection. You could be doing something else, but you chose to do this.

Examples of powerful relationship rituals include:

• A nightly check-in where you share one highlight and one challenge from your day.

• Saying something you appreciate about each other before bedtime.

• Sending a “thinking of you” message during the day, not out of obligation but as a reminder that you care.

• Weekly reflections on what made you feel most connected.

These small rituals don’t take much time, but they accumulate into trust, intimacy, and a sense of “we’re in this together.”

Obstacles in the Digital Age

So if it’s so simple, why don’t more couples practice daily rituals? One of the biggest obstacles IMHO is the abundance of distractions. Our phones, apps, and endless notifications compete for attention, often leaving little room for intentional communication. Couples may text constantly but find themselves talking less about meaningful things. This is communication fatigue: heavy on words, light on depth.  It’s not usually a lack of time that keeps couples disconnected - it’s a lack of making time. It's lack of focus. Without carving out a few moments for undistracted presence, even the strongest partnerships can drift into autopilot.

Practical Ways to Start Daily Rituals

The key is to begin small and stay consistent. Here are a few simple practices to try:

• The Evening Question: Before bed, ask your partner one thoughtful question such as, “What was your favorite moment today?” or “What’s on your mind most right now?”

• Morning Gratitude: Share one thing you’re grateful for about your partner before starting the day.

• Check-In Text: At some point in the day, send a short note that says “I’m thinking of you” or “I hope your meeting goes well.”

• Daily Highlight/Challenge: Take turns sharing one highlight and one challenge from your day.

• Weekly Ritual: On Sundays, reflect together on the week — what brought you closer and what you want to improve.

These rituals work not because they’re elaborate, but because they’re consistent. Each one becomes a thread that, over time, weaves a strong and resilient connection.

Tools That Make It Easier

Of course, building new habits can feel difficult, especially in the midst of busy lives. That’s where supportive tools can help. I created the Thinking of You app to make intentional rituals effortless. By offering twice-daily prompts and thoughtful questions, it helps couples cut through the noise of digital overload and stay focused on each other. Unlike social media or traditional messaging apps, it removes distractions and creates a private, intimate space for connection. Think of it as scaffolding - not a replacement for your effort, but a structure that makes it easier to stay consistent. Over time, those daily moments of connection become second nature and ones you'll look forward to.

Conclusion

Strong relationships aren’t built in a day. They’re built in the little things — the check-ins, the questions, the small notes of care. Daily rituals may seem simple, but their impact compounds, creating trust, intimacy, and reciprocity that can last a lifetime. So start today buy choosing one small ritual and committing to it. And if you’d like a gentle way to keep that practice alive, download my app, Thinkingof You - it's the app that connects you two.

Footnotes / Bibliography

1. Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). 10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy. W. W. Norton & Company – Research on rituals of connection and emotional attunement.

2. Harvard Health Publishing (2021). “The power of small habits.” Harvard Medical School – Evidence on how daily practices influence mental and emotional health.

3. Impett, E. A., et al. (2014). “Daily sexual and relationship events in couples.” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships – Study showing how micro-interactions shape relationship satisfaction.

4. Amatenstein, S. (2022). “Micro-moments of intimacy: Why the little things matter in love.” Psychology Today.

5. Holt-Lunstad, J., et al. (2010). “Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review.” PLOS Medicine – Evidence that strong relational bonds support overall well-being.