Relearning Desire – Tracey Cox and Davina McCall on the Truth About Sex, Shame, and Connection
In Begin Again, Davina McCall invites Tracey Cox – one of the world’s leading voices on sex and relationships – to unpack the cultural myths that keep people from having the most connected, pleasurable, and fulfilling sex of their lives. With humor and candor, Cox challenges the false narratives around age, desire, and orgasm that limit intimacy, arguing that midlife is often when sex becomes its most authentic, emotionally rich, and free. This conversation dismantles shame, opens the door to honest communication, and redefines what great sex actually means.
Unlearning the Myths That Sabotage Intimacy
Cox begins by exposing how misinformation about what “good sex” should look like drives emotional distance and performance anxiety. Society’s narrow, heteronormative focus on penetrative sex and romanticized ideals – like spontaneous beach scenes or movie-script passion – has left countless couples feeling inadequate. The truth, Cox explains, is that most women don’t orgasm through penetration alone, and many couples quietly drift into “sexless” dynamics within just two years. Yet every sexual problem, she insists, can be solved through open, judgment-free communication. The first step toward better sex is daring to talk about it.
Talking to Kids About Sex – The Power of Openness
One of Cox’s most vital messages concerns how we educate children about sex. She argues that silence breeds curiosity, confusion, and vulnerability to exploitation. Teaching kids proper anatomical terms and addressing pleasure, boundaries, and consent early not only removes the taboo but protects them from predators. Her advice: integrate sex education into normal conversation, not as a one-time “birds and bees” talk. Parents should model comfort and honesty so their children learn that sexuality is natural, not shameful. She also warns that if parents don’t educate their kids, the internet – or worse, influencers like Andrew Tate – will.
The Porn Problem and Emotional Disconnect
Cox raises concerns about the impact of pornography on modern desire, especially among young men and women shaped by a digital culture of performance and instant gratification. Where older generations grew up with depictions of love and sensuality, she observes, today’s youth often encounter aggression, dominance, and unrealistic expectations before they’ve had real experiences. Acts like choking, which have become disturbingly normalized, are sometimes mistaken for intimacy or empowerment. Cox points out that lower self-esteem often drives these dynamics, as people internalize distorted ideas of what is “sexy.” Real connection, she argues, is never about pain or submission—it’s about mutual curiosity, safety, and pleasure.
Rethinking the Orgasm and the Pressure to Perform
Cox and McCall delve into the obsession with orgasm as a marker of success, calling it one of the most damaging myths in modern intimacy. Great sex, Cox says, isn’t about climax—it’s about connection. For many women, genuine pleasure requires direct or indirect clitoral stimulation, yet many still fake orgasms out of insecurity or a desire to please. This reinforces misunderstanding for both partners and keeps everyone dissatisfied. Instead of faking it, Cox urges honesty and exploration: talk about what feels good, use vibrators without shame, and release the idea that pleasure has to look a certain way. Desire thrives where authenticity lives.
Sex After 50 – The Best Is Yet to Come
Far from winding down in midlife, Cox believes that this stage can mark a new beginning. With children grown, self-awareness deepened, and societal expectations loosening, people finally have the space to explore sex for themselves. She highlights how understanding one’s body, staying sexually curious, and addressing issues like vaginal health or libido changes can revitalize intimacy. Great sex at 50, she insists, is about emotional intelligence, communication, and self-acceptance—not youthful spontaneity. Scheduled sex, contrary to stigma, can sustain connection and anticipation when life gets busy. “The more you have sex,” she says, “the more your body remembers it.”
Reclaiming Sexual Confidence and Emotional Honesty
Cox’s overall message is both radical and reassuring: there’s no single “right” way to have sex, only a right way for you. By breaking free of shame, challenging outdated gender expectations, and prioritizing emotional closeness, couples can rediscover what intimacy means. Whether addressing infidelity, performance anxiety, or waning desire, the solution always comes back to communication and compassion. Cox’s candid guidance reframes sex not as a performance, but as an ongoing dialogue—a language of trust, curiosity, and care that can evolve beautifully over time.
Why It Matters
This episode isn’t just about sex—it’s about self-knowledge, connection, and emotional liberation. Tracey Cox and Davina McCall remind listeners that pleasure isn’t a luxury reserved for youth; it’s a lifelong birthright that flourishes with honesty and empathy. Their conversation urges people to unlearn cultural scripts, talk more openly with partners and children alike, and reclaim intimacy as a vital expression of love and vitality. In a world full of distractions, Cox’s insights mirror the same truth that drives Thinking of You—real connection begins when we dare to communicate deeply and without shame.
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