Inside the Mind of Avoidant Women – Understanding Emotional Distance and Healing
In this in-depth episode of I Wish You Knew, hosts Adam Lane Smith and Andrey Korikov sit down with guest Jessica Preston to explore avoidant attachment in women – how it develops, how it shows up in relationships, and what healing looks like once awareness begins. Preston, a self-described “recovering avoidant,” shares her own journey through multiple marriages, motherhood, and self-discovery, revealing the hidden emotional logic behind avoidance and what it takes to unlearn those protective patterns. The conversation illuminates the psychology of avoidant women: independent, capable, and logical on the surface, yet struggling to feel safe enough to connect deeply or express vulnerability.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment
Preston explains that avoidant attachment often stems from early emotional neglect, inconsistency, or over-responsibility in childhood, leading to self-protection through emotional distance. She reflects on her realization—after her third divorce—that her instinct to retreat wasn’t conscious cruelty, but a survival mechanism built to maintain stability and control in an unpredictable world. Many avoidant women, she notes, are not cold or detached by nature; they simply never learned emotional safety, so closeness triggers discomfort rather than connection. The result is a cycle of strong beginnings in relationships that later fade into emotional withdrawal and confusion for both partners.
The Emotional Blind Spot
Adam and Jessica discuss how many avoidant women don’t initially recognize their behavior as avoidance. Jessica recalls her husband pointing out disconnection while she genuinely didn’t see it, describing how her nervous system had been wired to prioritize composure and competence over emotional intimacy. Reading Stan Tatkin’s Your Brain on Love helped her identify with the “island” archetype – the self-reliant individual who thrives on autonomy but struggles with dependency. She realized that her ability to function logically had come at the cost of emotional expression, something her therapist once highlighted when noting that Jessica said “I believe” instead of “I feel.” This subtle language difference revealed a lifelong pattern of emotional detachment masked as rationality.
Masculine and Feminine Dynamics
A key theme in the episode is the interplay of masculine and feminine energies in avoidant behavior. Preston explains that many women with avoidant tendencies operate heavily in their masculine energy - driven, protective, structured - especially when life requires constant self-reliance. She describes how rediscovering her feminine side - openness, receptivity, and softness - was both terrifying and transformative. “I jumped off the cliff of femininity,” she says, recalling a period of crying and emotional release that felt foreign after decades of control. This shift allowed her to access vulnerability and connection in ways logic never could, underscoring how healing avoidant attachment involves integrating both strength and softness.
The Role of Self-Awareness and Responsibility
Perhaps the most powerful part of Jessica’s story is her decision to stop blaming others and look inward. After years of relational collapse, she admitted, “I’m causing pain here.” Rather than staying stuck in guilt, she turned that awareness into action—seeking education about attachment, examining her patterns, and allowing herself to feel. The hosts emphasize that this process requires patience and compassion: avoidant individuals must move from intellectual insight (“I understand why I do this”) to embodied experience (“I can stay present with my emotions”).
The Path Toward Healing and Emotional Safety
Preston and Smith agree that healing from avoidance isn’t about eliminating the instinct to withdraw but learning to recognize it and self-soothe before retreating. The avoidant’s journey is one of gradual exposure to emotional closeness - trusting that they can survive intimacy without losing autonomy. For avoidant women, reconnecting to their feminine side and allowing others to hold them in safety becomes essential. They also discuss how secure partners can support avoidant women by creating consistent emotional safety without pressure or judgment.
Conclusion
“Inside the Mind of Avoidant Women” ultimately reframes avoidance not as coldness but as courage misdirected - a once-useful survival strategy that now stands in the way of love. Jessica Preston’s story offers both hope and guidance: awareness can rewire old defenses, and emotional connection can be learned, even later in life. True healing, the hosts suggest, comes when avoidant individuals stop running from vulnerability and start trusting that love won’t cost them their freedom - it might actually give it back.
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