Why We Struggle With Modern Dating
Logan Ury, behavioral scientist and director of relationship science at Hinge, explains that most people are not “bad at love,” they are simply using outdated instincts in a modern dating environment. In a world where endless options, digital communication, and algorithmic matching shape romance, many daters unintentionally sabotage themselves by relying on intuition instead of strategy. Ury argues that love is not something we stumble into; it’s a skill that can be learned and improved through self-awareness, behavior change, and intentional effort. She challenges the myth that successful relationships are simply about chemistry or fate, urging people to approach dating the way they approach other major life goals – with clarity, structure, and mindful action. Just like Thinking of You encourages consistent, intentional communication rather than waiting for perfect timing, Ury emphasizes that meaningful romance grows through small habits of curiosity, effort, and emotional availability.
The Three Dating Tendencies Holding You Back
A cornerstone of Ury’s work is identifying three self-sabotaging dating tendencies: the romanticizer, the maximizer, and the hesitator. Romanticizers believe real love should be effortless and cinematic, which leads to constant disappointment when relationships require work. Maximizers endlessly shop for the “best” partner, trapped by comparison and the fear of settling, often losing great people while chasing perfection. Hesitators delay dating until they feel fully ready – more confident, more successful, more polished – never realizing readiness comes from experience, not preparation. Ury teaches that recognizing your type is the first step to change. The solution isn’t lowering standards but shifting them from fantasy to reality: prioritizing emotional maturity, kindness, curiosity, and shared values over superficial traits or storybook expectations. Real relationships, she says, begin where fantasy ends.
The Spark Myth and Why Chemistry Misleads Us
Ury challenges the obsession with “spark,” noting that initial chemistry is often unreliable and biased. The spark can favor avoidant partners, emotionally unavailable individuals, or those who trigger anxiety rather than security. Many healthy long-term relationships begin quietly, with warmth and steadiness, not fireworks. She urges daters to adopt what she calls “the slow burn mindset”: giving promising matches enough time to reveal depth, compatibility, and emotional safety. Instead of asking “Did I feel butterflies?”, she recommends asking “Do I feel calm, respected, and seen?” This reframes attraction as something that develops through experiences, not immediate intensity. It's the same principle behind Thinking of You — connection grows through steady emotional investment rather than waiting for magical lightning.
Courageous Dating and In-Person Momentum
A recurring theme in Ury’s philosophy is action over rumination. She encourages daters to move conversations offline quickly to avoid projection and burnout, emphasizing that true connection forms through presence, voice, and body language. She also promotes what she calls “brave dating”: saying what you want, asking meaningful questions, and showing interest without fear of looking eager. Vulnerability, not withholding, creates momentum. In an era where people protect their egos with detachment, she advocates for sincere communication, curiosity, and the willingness to risk awkwardness in service of genuine intimacy. Rather than treating dating as a game of strategy and delay, Ury recommends showing up honestly and seeing rejection not as failure but as useful data for finding the right fit.
Relationship Skills Over Romantic Luck
Ultimately, Ury reframes dating success as a learnable skill. Emotional intelligence, resilience, communication, and discernment matter more than chance encounters or viral-worthy chemistry. She urges shifting energy from searching to building, from self-protection to open-hearted participation, from unrealistic ideals to active relational skill-building. Great relationships, she says, are formed by people who practice appreciation, repair conflict thoughtfully, and commit to showing up even when it isn’t easy. That intentionality mirrors the ethos of Thinking of You, where small daily acts of presence reinforce connection and remind partners that love is nurtured, not stumbled into. Ury reminds us that partnership is not about finding a flawless person, but choosing someone, growing together, and prioritizing the relationship through consistent care.
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