The Stories You Tell Yourself Shape Everything
Lori Gottlieb begins by explaining that nearly all stuckness originates in the stories we unconsciously repeat about who we are and what life means. These narratives often come from childhood experiences, parental labels, or early relational wounds. Over time, we forget they were ever interpretations and start treating them as facts. Whether it’s “I’m too sensitive,” “I’m not good enough,” or “People always let me down,” these beliefs quietly script how we act, what we tolerate, and how we interpret every interaction. Gottlieb argues that we don’t become trapped because circumstances are immovable but because we keep telling the same outdated chapter. When we revisit and revise those narratives with accuracy, compassion, and curiosity, new possibilities open. This directly mirrors the reflective, pattern-revealing rituals built into the Thinking of You app, which help couples and individuals recognize how their internal stories influence their connections.
Lori Gottlieb begins by explaining that nearly all stuckness originates in the stories we unconsciously repeat about who we are and what life means. These narratives often come from childhood experiences, parental labels, or early relational wounds. Over time, we forget they were ever interpretations and start treating them as facts. Whether it’s “I’m too sensitive,” “I’m not good enough,” or “People always let me down,” these beliefs quietly script how we act, what we tolerate, and how we interpret every interaction. Gottlieb argues that we don’t become trapped because circumstances are immovable but because we keep telling the same outdated chapter. When we revisit and revise those narratives with accuracy, compassion, and curiosity, new possibilities open. This directly mirrors the reflective, pattern-revealing rituals built into the Thinking of You app, which help couples and individuals recognize how their internal stories influence their connections.
Why We Blame Other People for Our Problems
Gottlieb highlights that most people want change but want someone else to make it happen. Partners, parents, coworkers, or friends become the villains of our narrative. But change rarely comes from rearranging the external world. Using the metaphor of a dance, she explains that every relational dynamic has choreography. If you adjust your steps, the other person must either adapt or step off the floor. Transformation begins when you shift your patterns rather than trying to rewrite someone else’s behavior. Even difficult people have their own stories that explain their actions; seeing that complexity allows us to respond instead of react. It’s a reminder that emotional maturity means taking responsibility for your part in the dance and examining the internal narratives driving your responses.
How Old Wounds Create Big Reactions in the Present
A central tool Gottlieb offers is the phrase “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” When a reaction feels disproportionately intense, it’s a sign that the present moment has activated an older story. The partner who forgets a chore may tap into your childhood fear of being unseen. A delayed text may awaken an old abandonment wound. The goal is not to suppress the reaction but to ask two questions: Does this feel familiar, and what can I do differently as an adult? By separating the current moment from the past moment your nervous system is reliving, you regain clarity and agency. This approach helps individuals interpret their emotions accurately rather than catastrophically, and it mirrors the grounding, self-regulating benefits couples experience when they use daily check-ins and prompts inside Thinking of You.
A central tool Gottlieb offers is the phrase “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” When a reaction feels disproportionately intense, it’s a sign that the present moment has activated an older story. The partner who forgets a chore may tap into your childhood fear of being unseen. A delayed text may awaken an old abandonment wound. The goal is not to suppress the reaction but to ask two questions: Does this feel familiar, and what can I do differently as an adult? By separating the current moment from the past moment your nervous system is reliving, you regain clarity and agency. This approach helps individuals interpret their emotions accurately rather than catastrophically, and it mirrors the grounding, self-regulating benefits couples experience when they use daily check-ins and prompts inside Thinking of You.
Editing Your Narrative With Curiosity Instead of Criticism
To rewrite your story, Gottlieb recommends looking for counter-examples. The human mind selectively gathers evidence to support its painful beliefs, overlooking the nuanced reality that contradicts them. If your story is “I can’t trust anyone,” name one person you have trusted. If your story is “I’m never good enough,” list moments where you succeeded. Even small examples begin to break the illusion of absolutes. Gottlieb also teaches the three-part test for thoughts: Is it kind? Is it true? Is it useful? If a belief fails any of those criteria, it does not belong in your narrative. She emphasizes that self-talk should be examined the same way a therapist examines a client’s worldview: with precision, compassion, and an insistence on accuracy.
Why Change Feels Hard Even When It’s Good
Change requires loss, Gottlieb says, because even unhealthy patterns feel familiar. We cling to the known because the misery of uncertainty often feels worse than the certainty of misery. This is why people stay in stagnant relationships, avoid difficult conversations, or resist taking steps they know would improve their lives. Familiarity feels safe, even when it is limiting. Gottlieb uses the metaphor of a prisoner shaking the bars of a cage without realizing the sides are open. Walking around the bars gives you freedom, but it also requires responsibility. The first step toward lasting change is acknowledging both the gain and the grief, allowing the old pattern to loosen its grip. With intention, a new chapter becomes possible.
Relationships as Owner’s Manuals for Connection
Gottlieb explains that partners continuously hand each other an “owner’s manual” for what makes them feel loved, calm, respected, or connected. The problem is that most people ignore it. Your partner’s needs are not always your needs, and what soothes one person may overwhelm another. Understanding how they operate requires curiosity rather than assumption. Gottlieb emphasizes that conflict is not evidence of incompatibility but a sign of misread instructions. Clear requests, not complaints, move relationships forward. This echoes the philosophy behind Thinking of You, which helps couples communicate in ways that reveal emotional needs rather than triggering old defenses.
Boundaries That Actually Work
One of the most misunderstood elements of personal growth is boundaries. Gottlieb clarifies that boundaries are not rules you impose on someone else but actions you commit to taking yourself. If you ask someone not to yell and they do, the boundary is your response: “I’m going to step away and return when we can talk calmly.” Boundaries must be consistent to be effective. They are not punishments but self-respect in practice. They also require self-awareness, because sometimes the boundary we want to set is unrealistic or rooted in our unexamined story rather than reality.
Conclusion
Lori Gottlieb’s core message is that you are the author of your life, and rewriting your story begins with editing one sentence. By questioning outdated narratives, recognizing emotional patterns, taking responsibility for your part in relational dynamics, and grounding yourself in present-moment truth, you create a new trajectory. Every small shift becomes a new paragraph, and every new paragraph becomes a life written with intention rather than repetition. This is the same principle behind the Thinking of You app: transformation through daily awareness, compassionate communication, and the steady rewriting of what connection can be. Your story is yours to write, starting now.
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