The Myth of “Communication Problems”
Dr. Orna Guralnik begins by dismantling one of the most common myths couples bring into therapy — that their main issue is communication. While conflict often shows up through words, tone, or arguments, she explains that communication is rarely the root problem. Instead, it’s the stage where deeper tensions perform. Couples argue about chores, money, sex, or time, but beneath those topics lies something far more uncomfortable: the reality of sharing a life with someone who is genuinely different from you. When couples obsess over “better communication,” they often avoid touching the real emotional material that feels too threatening, painful, or identity-shaking to face directly.
Otherness: The Hidden Source of Conflict
At the core of relationship struggle is what Orna calls otherness — the friction that arises when your partner’s habits, values, upbringing, or emotional rhythms clash with your own. Difference can be exciting and magnetic at first, but over time it becomes intrusive. It challenges how you were raised, how you define yourself, and what feels “right.” When this happens, most people instinctively try to resolve the discomfort by deciding who is correct and who is flawed. This is where conflict hardens into ego battles, moral superiority, and resentment. Instead of saying “we’re different,” couples start asking “what’s wrong with you?” — a shift that quietly poisons intimacy.
How We Turn Difference into Blame
Orna describes how quickly the human mind fills gaps in understanding with stories that protect the self. A simple difference in routine becomes evidence of laziness, disrespect, or selfishness. Over time, these stories become scripts we automatically assign to our partner. This process keeps couples stuck because it feels safer to diagnose the other person than to sit with the discomfort of uncertainty or self-examination. Blame provides clarity — but at the cost of connection. True progress begins when partners loosen their grip on their personal narrative and become curious about what’s happening inside themselves instead of hyper-focusing on what the other is doing wrong.
Why Compromise Isn’t Enough
Rather than aiming for compromise — which often leaves both partners feeling like they’ve lost something — Orna encourages couples to approach conflict as equal partners solving a shared problem. This requires abandoning the idea that one person is entirely right and the other entirely wrong. Healthy couples develop what she calls a “political system” — a way of negotiating difference that prioritizes the health of the relationship as a whole. This approach demands humility, patience, and a willingness to relax deeply held convictions in service of something larger than individual ego.
The Role of Identity, Loyalty, and Family
Many conflicts feel impossible because they threaten core loyalties — to parents, culture, religion, or identity itself. Disagreements about holidays, parenting, or family boundaries often activate fears of betrayal: “If I side with my partner, am I disloyal to where I come from?” Orna emphasizes that these inner conflicts are profoundly uncomfortable and rarely acknowledged. Healing begins when both partners recognize the emotional bind they’re in, rather than rushing toward solutions. Sitting with complexity — without demanding immediate resolution — allows couples to expand their emotional capacity instead of collapsing into defensiveness.
Pop Psychology and the Shortcut to Certainty
Orna also critiques the modern overuse of therapy language like “narcissist,” “gaslighting,” and “love bombing.” While these terms can be useful, they often function as shortcuts to certainty. Once a label is applied, curiosity ends. The problem is externalized, moralized, and sealed. In reality, most relational pain is far more nuanced. Everyone has narcissistic defenses under threat. Everyone withdraws or reacts when they feel unsafe. Labels can bring temporary relief — but they also stop the deeper investigation that leads to growth.
What Actually Makes a Relationship Healthy
A strong relationship isn’t defined by longevity, lack of arguments, or surface harmony. Orna describes healthy couples as having a distinct atmosphere — a felt sense of mutual respect, safety, and goodwill. Conflict exists, but it doesn’t turn into character assassination. These couples allow each other to change over time and don’t demand that their partner remain the person they first fell in love with. Growth is expected, not punished. The relationship bends under pressure instead of breaking — and both partners retain their individuality without turning difference into danger.
The Hardest Question to Ask Yourself
Perhaps the most confronting moment in the conversation comes when Orna offers a question few people ask honestly: Can I give? Can you tolerate someone else’s otherness without trying to control it? Can you hold space for your partner’s growth — even when it’s inconvenient, slow, or challenges your own ego? Love, she argues, isn’t conditional on transformation. No one wants to feel like a project waiting to be completed before the relationship truly begins.
Conclusion
This conversation reframes love not as compatibility perfected, but as difference navigated with humility, curiosity, and care. Relationships don’t fail because partners argue — they fail because difference becomes moralized, weaponized, and personalized. When couples stop trying to fix each other and instead learn how to coexist with otherness, conflict transforms from a threat into a source of depth and connection. That same philosophy lives at the heart of Thinking of You — a reminder that lasting relationships aren’t built through dramatic breakthroughs, but through small, intentional moments of presence that say, “I see you, even when we’re different.”
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