Childhood Neglect and Conflict with Your Romantic Life
Childhood neglect can prime people for romantic obsession. Anna Runkle explains that when children grow up without consistent love—particularly in households with alcoholic or emotionally inconsistent parents—they often become adept at imagining love where it doesn’t exist. This creates a trauma bond, a pattern of attachment to someone unavailable, fueled by intermittent reinforcement of attention and affection. People addicted to this dynamic may pursue partners who are emotionally unavailable, married, or otherwise unattainable, perpetuating cycles of longing and obsession.
Trauma Bonds and Eroticization of Abandonment
Runkle defines trauma bonds as attachments formed through cycles of hot-and-cold treatment, which can occur even with animals under abusive care. This maladaptive pattern is addictive for those with anxious attachment, creating what she calls the “eroticization of abandonment”—a tendency to feel desire only when met with rejection or emotional unavailability. Over time, this can distort sexual attraction and limit the ability to connect with healthy, available partners.
Recovery begins by “stopping the poison”—ending one-sided or harmful relationships and abstaining from the chase for unavailable partners. Runkle emphasizes the importance of self-responsibility and honoring boundaries, highlighting that cutting off these toxic attachments allows healthier attraction and connection to emerge. Withdrawal can feel difficult, but it clears the path for genuine love.
Identifying Healthy Partners
Runkle recommends focusing on partners who are fully available, drama-free, and unattached to others. Healthy partners demonstrate consistent care, respect boundaries, and treat others—including children, animals, and service workers—with kindness, which signals how they will act on a bad day. Real attraction develops when one is healed enough to recognize and value these qualities, rather than being drawn to emotional chaos.
Experiencing True Connection
Runkle shares her own journey, noting that long-term, committed love—with her husband and children—has been transformative. Unlike past relationships driven by pursuit and fantasy, she now experiences stability, safety, and deep connection. Being present with someone who truly sees and accepts you offers profound healing, allowing people to unlearn destructive attachment patterns and appreciate the authentic joy of committed love.
Conclusion
Romantic obsession often traces back to childhood neglect, creating patterns of longing for unavailable partners. Healing requires ending toxic attachments, practicing self-responsibility, and seeking partners who are truly available and caring. Over time, this shift enables authentic connection, sexual attraction to healthy partners, and the deep satisfaction of committed, supportive love.
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