Why We Sabotage Love: Jillian Turecki on Emotional Maturity and Connection
In her conversation with Rich Roll, Jillian Turecki offers a compassionate but unflinching look at why love can be so difficult to sustain even when we genuinely want it. Drawing from her work as a relationship coach and her own personal growth, Turecki breaks down the emotional immaturity that keeps so many people trapped in painful relationship cycles, showing how the journey toward real intimacy begins with self-awareness rather than blame.
The Roots of Emotional Immaturity
Turecki explains that emotional immaturity isn’t about age—it’s about unhealed emotional wounds that form early in life. Many people grow up without learning how to regulate emotions or tolerate discomfort, which later leads them to seek out partners who unconsciously replicate the emotional dynamics of their childhood. This isn’t sabotage for its own sake; it’s the nervous system seeking familiarity. But without recognizing these patterns, relationships become battlegrounds of unmet needs rather than spaces for mutual growth.
The Cycle of Self-Sabotage
When we haven’t learned to hold space for our own emotions, Turecki says, we often expect a partner to do it for us. This dependency can look like clinging, controlling, or withdrawing—each a misguided attempt to feel safe. She describes how self-sabotage manifests through criticism, emotional avoidance, or unrealistic expectations of constant harmony. The paradox is that the very behaviors designed to protect us from pain end up creating the disconnection we fear most.
Accountability and Self-Regulation
According to Turecki, the cornerstone of emotional maturity is accountability—taking responsibility for what we bring to a relationship instead of trying to manage or fix another person. She emphasizes the power of learning emotional self-regulation: the ability to soothe oneself when triggered rather than lash out or shut down. This isn’t about suppressing feelings but acknowledging them with curiosity and compassion. As she puts it, “You can’t have intimacy without emotional safety, and safety starts within.”
Healing the Wounds That Block Intimacy
Turecki urges listeners to recognize that healing doesn’t come from finding the perfect partner but from transforming how we relate to ourselves. Practices like mindfulness, therapy, and honest communication help rewire emotional habits rooted in fear and scarcity. Once individuals develop emotional literacy—understanding their triggers, boundaries, and needs—they can approach love from a place of abundance rather than survival. This shift turns relationships into opportunities for growth instead of arenas for validation.
The Power of Self-Awareness in Love
Ultimately, Turecki and Roll agree that sustainable love depends on self-awareness—the courage to see one’s own flaws and to love another without trying to control the outcome. Emotional maturity allows two people to face conflict without losing connection and to see differences not as threats but as invitations to deepen understanding. Love, in this view, is less about chemistry and more about consciousness—a daily practice of presence, empathy, and choice.
Conclusion
Jillian Turecki reminds us that lasting connection isn’t found through perfection or passion but through the steady work of emotional growth. When we stop expecting others to heal our pain and instead learn to nurture ourselves, we create the foundation for love that endures. The conversation echoes the philosophy behind Thinking of You—that meaningful connection thrives when two people show up intentionally, communicate deeply, and take responsibility for their emotional lives.
#thinkingofyou #thinkingofyouapp #relationshipapp #couplesapp #jillianturecki #richroll #selfregulation #accountability #healingrelationships #emotionalgrowth
.png)